My list of Top Ten Children's Toys that are Ruining America (and probably a lot of other places)

First of all, even though I've always been partial to watching children's programming in the morning as I get ready (Backyardigans, Fresh Beat Band, and lately, Spongebob), I've never noticed until I actually had a child how many dumb kids toys there are out there. I fear for the day when she actually understands what's going on on the magical moving picture screen, and begs me with certainty that she just desperately "neeeeeds" one of these ridiculous things for her birthday.

So anyway, here's a silly list (emphasis, SILLY - don't crucify me for my opinions, people) of what I consider to be the worst offenders:

1)Build-A-Bear: Got a kid that loves taxidermy? Now you will as they become increasingly obsessed with the Build-A-Bear workshop. First, pick your animal skin. Then take it over to the stuffing machine to stuff with it with your love (and filling) while you pick out it's adorable new humanizing clothing. Yay!

2) Any variation of the Bratz Dolls. I'm almost 100% certain that the Bratz Action heroes line caused the government shutdown. "Let's go save people and stuff." <--------actual last line of the commercial.

3) Zhu Zhu pets: These are not quite so advertised anymore but paying $10 ($40, at the height of their popularity) for a mechanical hamster that looks and feels like....a mechanical hamster... just seems wrong to me. How did these things ever get so popular?

4)The Monster High Dolls: Following closely behind the Bratz series, these things make me question: What happened to the simple Barbie? Sure, she had unrealistic proportions and a tendency to way behind in women's lib, but at least she had a normal skin color and a pulse!

5) The Hulk Green Fists: Because nothing teaches your child that violence isn't the answer like a set of boxing gloves disguised as a toy.

6) The FurReal friends: Just get them a pet, already. Having a semi-realistic cat that meows but can be thrown to the floor during snack time doesn't exactly teach responsibility. Here's a thought, FurReal makers - amp up the shedding, pooping and give them retractable claws that will scratch the crap out of you if you pull at their tales, and you might have a good product on  your hands.

7) Magic, the Gathering: Let your child decide their own geeky fate. Don't choose it for them.

8) Easy Bake Oven: YES. I wanted one of these. YES. All of my friends have them. But they are arguably the world's most disappointing toy. Waiting 40 minutes while a lightbulb slowly warms your brownie to an acceptable mushy mess to eat.  I 100% blame these for the fact that I now hate to cook and have no patience for things that I do have to cook occasionally.

9) Pillow Pets Dream lights: Because the last thing you want shining on your kids face as brightly as the sun as you are praying that they go to sleep is their own pillow.

10) Breaking Bad plush dolls: Yep, these exist. Meth lab not included.

Happy Tuesday!


Love,
Dominique