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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Letting Go of My "Baby."

Good afternoon! And happy Wednesday!

As you all know, I have recently ventured into the world of the transitioning toddler, complete with potty training and the arrival of (although not used yet) "big girl bed."

All of this is preparation of baby sibling to arrive this fall. 

V shows all the usual signs of growing up. She's getting gradually taller, and speaking more. Her hair is growing, and she's learning new things every day that are leaving her less and less like a baby, and more like an independent little human being. 

Here's the problem, though. 

I can not stop calling her my baby. Or the baby. Or sweet baby girl. I find myself answering, "Yes, baby?" when she asks for my attention. Or telling coworkers "I've got to go pick up the baby." Or telling my mom, "Well I have the baby with me." 

Every mom has fears that she won't love her second child as much as her first, and any mom who tells you differently is lying. But, every mom who already has more than one also will tell you  that the fears are generally unfounded, and your heart just grows bigger instead of having to squeeze in another one into the same size. 

Violet has had two full years of my undivided attention, and for now, I suppose I was ok with that continuing on until it had absolutely had to stop. But my unabashed attachment has started to become more of a detriment than a positive thing as of late. 

We have entered a phase of full on regression with potty training. She doesn't tell me when she needs to go, and she hasn't had a victory in weeks. It's like she all of a sudden decided that she was still totally cool with being diaper dependent, despite her excitement just weeks before over becoming "mommy's big girl!"

When I ask her, "Are you a big girl or a baby?" She doesn't even hesitate. "Baby, mama." The other day she actually wanted her dad to spoon feed her. SPOON FEED HER. We haven't spoon fed that girl in over a year, but she relished in the game, and Chris happily obliged. 

So the other night, after we put her to bed, I told Chris, "We have to stop calling her 'baby'."
The fact is she's not a baby anymore. And nothing, including the arrival of an actual baby come fall, is going to stop or change that. This is so much harder than it sounds. I still remember very clearly the first moment I held her in my arms. Or the first sweet days of nursing around the clock, and hearing that cooing sound they make. I remember the first time she could grip her own pacifier, and being so excited about this little milestone. 

And as much as I wish time would slow down for a little while when it comes to her, it only seems to speed up. I have no choice but to acknowledge that in 5 short months, another tiny little human being is going to need more of me than she will. And we're doing her a disservice by not preparing her for that. 

Sure, she'll always be the one who made me a mom. I'll always hold a very special place in my heart just for her, and we will always have our things that we do, just the two of us. But I think maybe it's time to start sharing a little bit of the blame, and making a change in myself to let her grow, and guide her as much as I can. 

Even if it's a huge pain. Or frustrating. Or takes a while. Or I really, really don't want to do it. 

Here's to the transition year. Wish me luck! 

Love,
Dominique





Thursday, May 14, 2015

That Moment You Realize You Wouldn't Change a Thing

I just sat down with a piece of ice cream cake from the kitchen at work. I went in there knowing exactly what I was looking for, and as I cut out a big chunk, I thought, "Well this should help me gain back some of that weight I lost being so sick."

Then I headed over to the water cooler, because pregnant women are required to drink their weight in water every day, and I grumbled to myself, "I can't believe I decided to get pregnant again."

I would be lying if I said these past few months haven't been rough. After our loss in December, I yearned to try again, and as luck would have it, we got pregnant again really quickly. This pregnancy came with all of the good signs of health - including horrific all day nausea that lasted me from 6-14 weeks. And still occasionally hits me.

Add to that my crazy decision to start potty training my two year old,  her biological decision to start cutting the world's worst baby teeth, and a rather large and still growing new baby bill, I have been at my wit's end.

But back to the kitchen. I was standing there with a red solo cup full of ice, and suddenly - something mentally knocked me on my butt. I stopped and thought - I mean REALLY thought - about what I had just mumbled to myself. Of course I decided to get pregnant again. I wanted this. I WANT this. I'm so happy to be expanding my family.

Was I not just telling my coworker, who had been so kind as to share with me that her and her husband were thinking about expanding their family soon too- that it was hands down the GREATEST thing that had ever happened to me? I went on and on and on about how funny, and sweet and beautiful my little girl was, and how even when she was being such a pain, I still loved her more than anything, ever.

I scolded myself silently about how stupid it was to be complaining about such a blessing, and how lucky I was that we were in this (sometimes sinking) boat again. Even if it's hard. Even if it's frustrating. Even if I sometimes long for my childless days of free-spending and glasses of wine with dinner.

I had that moment - that moment in the middle of the hurricane, when you block all of the negative for just a half second, and realize that everything you're going through is what you actually wanted. And it brings a smile to your face, because you did it. It's crazy, and chaotic, but that will end. And when it's all said and done, your life will be better for it. Even if the road was a little bumpier than you originally thought.

And yes, that's sappy and cheesy. And I don't care. I wanted to share my moment.

As always, thanks for listening.

Love,
Dominique

Happy Thursday! Here's a throwback picture for you in honor of #TBT

One year ago, with workout guru, Sweet V: