This weekend had me thinking about our roles as parents. Chris was gone for a whole day and night for the first time since we had the baby, and if' I'm totally honest about it, I was bitter.
He had been invited with about a week's notice to go to Auburn for the A-day game and last rolling of Toomer's corner. No wives or children allowed. I think one of the things that often causes resentment at times in any new parent's lives is the huge difference in roles each parent plays to a new infant. Especially for breastfeeding moms, the baby is almost entirely dependent on mom. Leaving for even a few hours requires careful planning to assure the baby's basic food needs are met, whereas dad can pretty much do anything on a moment's notice.
I remember my dear friend Katie warning me these feelings would eventually emerge because "you'll notice their lives just don't change that much." Of course any father will tell you that simply isn't true, but to a new mom who is nursing every few hours, going on just a few hours of sleep, pumping three or four times while working and dedicating every night to establishing a routine, dad's life starts to look pretty carefree. Now you know I've started formula, which means Chris has been able to help me a whole lot more, but it's hard to let go of that feeling that I have to do everything for the baby.
So as I was thinking about my role as a mother to my almost 10 week old daughter this weekend, I realized that a lot of the problem was me. I was harboring resentful feelings towards my husband for never watching the baby when he pointed out that I let him watch her once (a month ago, for a lingerie shower) and hadn't let him since. It's true, he did offer all of the time. But like a self-proclaimed martyr, I felt it was my duty to take care of my child, sacrificing my personal life and my friendships to do so. I've always been a little bit of a control freak, and I think deep down I like that she is dependent on me.
She's almost 2 1/2 months old now, taking a bottle like a champ and going to bed at 8:30 pretty much every night. I've done my duty so well that taking care of her by anyone would be a breeze, so why am I still afraid to leave her? Am I afraid she'll start to depend on me less and less? That she will somehow figure out an as infant that she is a daddy's girl? And so what if she is? Chris is her father, and is willing and capable to provide for her whatever she needs. I need to trust him. I need to let go. I need to go get a margarita baby-free with my friends every once in a while. I also need to find a good sitter, so I reclaim my marriage.
As we watched "This is 40" last night, (I know, who would think I could find meaning in a Judd Apatow movie?) I realized that our new family is meant to bring us closer together, not separate us apart. It's a trade off, and while an infant requires a lot of focus, my marriage requires some focus too. We had a life before baby, and we can have a life with her as well. It's just more work now. But I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to work hard to find that balance so we can all be happier.
Love,
Dominique
You are a rockstar blogger, Dom! Yes, their lives really don't change much in the beginning. Jared sleeps like a champ through anything (sleep training two girls by myself hasn't been easy), but I've noticed that as Audrey has gotten older he's really bonded with her a whole lot more. Their personalities are a lot alike and she loves doing things with him which has been nice. It gives me time to bond with the new baby.
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