So here it goes:
At about 3pm the Wednesday before Christmas, I was asked if I "had a minute" and led to a conference room in our office. I was then told in a quick and decisive manor that I was being let go. It was "just not working out." anymore. The official reason I was given was that I was not passionate enough about my position. Fair enough. The truth is I've struggled with working full time ever since I had to leave my baby in someone else's care since she was six weeks old. That's no secret, and apparently it had become no secret that I was seeking to go part time, possibly around her first birthday in February.
Needless to say I was shocked. I had been warned before that I was slipping, but I had made an honest-to-God effort to improve, and had even checked in with the powers that be to see if there had been any more complaints. But despite my best efforts, they decided to move on. Maybe they can find someone single, who can come in early and stay late, and be everything they want them to be. I hope they do.
In all honesty, I wasn't sad to let that position go. I had given three years to that company, and a lot of it I enjoyed. But things are different now. I'm different now. But there was the immediate matter of my loss of income, and loss of health insurance for me and Violet. As you all know, I have a baby that catches everything under the sun, and then ear infections. Health insurance is an absolute must, and not only was I losing my half of our income, but I was now going to have to pay much more out of pocket to make sure she can go to the doctor. I started crying in that conference room. And I admitted to a friend of mine that I was scared. I was panicking. I was not putting enough trust in myself or my husband to get through this. Not in that moment.
So I walked out, all puffy faced and embarrassed, and collected some of my things. Nothing is worse than crying at work. Everyone notices. Everyone pretends not to notice, but then you know it will be the talk of the office after you leave. It's a terrible feeling, and I had to experience not only that, but then the walk out to the lobby, 28 floors on an elevator, and about a mile long walk to my parking deck.
I came home defeated, but the next day I felt better. I had a plan. I would go home an enjoy my Christmas. I would come back and sign up for health insurance, sign up for unemployment, and start a new year and a new life as stay at home mom, either full time or part time. But I still wake up sometimes feeling resentful. Feeling like I was somehow being punished for having a baby. Feeling so upset that I sacrificed so much of my time, my vacation and sick days, and my happiness only to be told it wasn't good enough.
There's a lot more I could say on the subject, but it's best to hold my tongue. It's over now, and I should be focusing on moving on and being grateful that I'm getting to do the one thing I've been wanting to do for months - be around my baby girl. Even if it's only temporary. And I should put more trust in myself, and definitely more trust in Chris. We've always been a great team, and this little hurdle will be no different. I'm lucky to have him supporting me. He didn't panic. He simply comforted me, and told me it was going to be ok. And he has not once rushed me into finding another job. He's letting me handle it. And my family has been wonderful too. My siblings and my parents have rallied, and are helping me in every way they know how. They are amazing.
So that's where we are. I promise a more entertaining post about my ups and downs as a newly stay at home mom. Believe me, there have been plenty of entertaining moments. But we're doing ok. We're having a blast together, actually.
As always, thanks for listening.
Happy Thursday!
Love,
Dominique
No comments:
Post a Comment