I have never felt so fulfilled in my work. I put her to bed every night knowing that tomorrow will be another opportunity to teach her something. In the short time I've been with her, she's learned how to share (most of the time), wave, high-five (Chris taught her that one) and is making leaps and bounds in her movements. Maybe it would have all happened anyway, whether I was there to witness it or not - but maybe there's something to be said about one on one attention.
*Disclaimer* I still fully support full time daycare, and I miss ours terribly. I treasured the morning talks with her teachers, and I know they miss her greatly as well.
That being said, today was my first official day with no paycheck. No direct deposit hit my bank account last night, and it will be a few more days until Chris's pay goes in because of the way his payroll works. We are financially fine. However, the question of whether I should pursue full time work again, part time work or stay at home is forever looming, and the pressure is definitely on.
But I should be getting unemployment pay, right? Well that remains to be seen. I have not yet received it, and the guidelines are stricter than one might think. When you file a claim for unemployment in the state of Alabama, you are automatically enrolled in a joblinks website for potential employers to find you. This is a great thing - and I applaud the system for trying to make sure the unemployed can become gainfully employed again. However, it is expected of you to reply promptly and without question to any job referral you are offered - or potentially lose benefits.
With that being said, I was somewhat forced to attend an "interview" for a life insurance company not to be named (Which is an industry I no longer want to be a part of) that turned out to be more of a mass recruitment. It was short notice (one day) and luckily I was able to ask my friend Katie to watch ladybug while I went. After sitting through a five minute interview, and then asked to watch an hour long presentation about the benefits of working for said company, I had had enough. I was angry that I had gone. I was angry that I was put in the position where I had to sit through that crap in order to collect a measly amount of money until I could find something I really wanted to do. And I sat there, judging the other people in the room for being such suckers.
I was wrong to do that. Who am I to judge someone just looking to provide for themselves or their families? Many of them were probably in my same position. So I gave myself a mental slap on the wrist and left, feeling sorry for myself.
The more I stay home with her, the more I want to stay to home. I never thought I would want to do that, but maybe it was just that I wasn't ready. Maybe maternity leave, with it's sleepless nights and tireless breastfeeding and 12 diapers a day was a really bad first impression on the life of a stay at home mom. That stage ends, you know. Even if you think it never will.
So my heart wants to be with her. Wants the freedom my days have allowed us. But the question remains on whether or not it's financially feasible for this to remain an ongoing thing. Sacrifices would have to be made, and some are already in the works - but it still may not be enough.
Full time would allow for us to resume our previous lifestyle - but then I'd be right back where I was before. Part time is ideal, but unless I find a decent part time paying position, the daycare alone would eat up the entire paycheck for the month. That would be pointless. So what's a former working mom to do? My head tells me to find work; fulfilling, worth-it work, but I think "what could I want to do more than this?"
It's a tough spot to be in, for sure. But we will get through it. One thing is for sure, I am not allowing myself to become as unhappy as I was before. My priorities have changed tremendously, and I think I need to find my balance with heart and head.
Happy Wednesday everyone!
Love,
Dominique
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