I want to share something with ya'll. Things are really good right now. Hubs and I are in a groove that has taken months to achieve, and we are about to enter the greatest time of each year. The Holiday Trifecta.
Our budget is rockin, Violet is napping/eating/sleeping through the night/talking/walking (running) like a champ, and I am really enjoying my new job. Not everything is perfect of course. We still don't ever go anywhere, and our netflix que has been totally played out. But for the most part, things are good.
So, naturally, with all of these good vibes floating in with the autumn winds, I have been entertaining the thought of expanding the ol' King clan. I know what you're thinking. "But Dominique, you talked about V being an only child for so long. I thought your uterus was closed for business."
Well, for a while, I thought it might be too. I never ruled out the possibility of a sibling, but as the first few months of her life (and let's face it, up until about 2 months ago) came and went, we faced a lot of things that made me think this was it. In the short 18 months she has been alive, I have tried (and failed) breastfeeding, lost my job (twice), experienced stay-at-home-momhood, and am now balancing working a new part time position and dealing with an unruly, yet adorable toddler. It's enough to make anyone tired.
And I am tired. Sometimes, in the middle of my day, if I stop going for even a minute - I think, "Man. I could fall asleep right now in this chair." And don't even get me started on the beginning of my day. Every single day is overwhelming when I first wake up. I am barely awake, and I know that I am responsible for entertaining/feeding/singing to/reading to/playing with/hiding from/comforting/and cleaning a small human life for the next 6 hours. And then I have to go work. And sometimes THEN I have to go to the store. It's a busy life, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So I've gone over all of the regular arguments in my head - and often out loud, out of nowhere, to my exhausted husband - about adding another newborn to our mix. The finances. Would I keep working? Would I try to find something full time? Would I stay home? Would it be better for me to breastfeed again if I do get to stay home? Will it be easier if I am only working part time? Or the health risks. Violet tried to make her appearance 9 weeks early on Christmas day if you recall. Besides being considered high risk this go around, there's a much higher chance of the second one following suit of her/his sister and coming early. This also increases my chances of bed rest. How does that even work with a full time working husband and no family around and a toddler? A lot of Daniel Tiger I suppose.
But you know what? Despite all of these issues, nothing has made me hesitate more than the thought of the sleep deprivation. Oh, to have a newborn again. With the feedings every hour and half, and the spitting up, and the no head support of their own. And the crying. And the load upon loads of crap you have to take with you everywhere, even for short trips. To the moms of newborns who are reading this right now, (and I know of a few) I am sorry. I'm sorry I'm reminding you of your reality right now. But before I get scolded, remember I did it too. And I am willingly - witnessing you go through it right now and all - thinking about doing it again.
But it's worth it, right? Of course it is. Nothing lasts forever, even the exhausting first few years of a life on a mother. And I see it on your faces. The sheer joy of your newly expanded family that glimmers behind heavily lidded eyes. So I suppose, for now, anything is possible!
Thanks for listening me work it all out, as usual.
Love,
Dominique
For your viewing pleasure, here is a pic of one of the newest ladies in our lives, and an angel straight from Heaven:
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