Yes. Seems like nothing, right? However, this phone call was 2 months in the making, and countless hours of obsessing, agonizing, rationalizing, and researching. I cancelled Hazel's appointment Thursday with the neurology clinic to have her evaluated for a correcting helmet.
So my 6 month old developed a flat spot on the back of her head. And if you don't know this, then you don't know me, because it's all I've thought about for over 3 months. When our pediatrician referred us to the clinic, she told me I didn't have to go. She told me it could round out on it's own, and that it's only cosmetic, and that she's going to have a head full of hair, so she will likely never see it. Never-the-less, I kept the appointment when she was 4 months old. I picked up Violet early from school, we drove to Children's of Birmingham downtown (got hopelessly lost and was 15 minutes late for our appointment), waited THREE hours in a crowded waiting room, and spent 5 minutes with a doctor who told us he didn't want to see her again until 6 months, and to try re positioning her.
So we left. And from that day on, my daughter slept on her side. With a blanket to prop her if needed. She was never on her back while awake. She was either in my arms, on her tummy or being strapped to my chest. I did this tirelessly for 2 months, dreading every second that it got closer to our follow up appointment. I took pictures of her from every angle, analyzing them over and over. Was it getting rounder? Was her hair making it look flatter? Would she hate me forever if her head isn't perfect? It kept me up at night. If I was able to get to sleep quickly, I woke up at 4am and had to resist googling "People who chose not to use the helmet," or "toddlers with flat heads." I was a mess. I am a mess. I am a mom.
But after talking about it with literally anyone that would listen (my mom, my friends, my husband, my doctor, my mom Facebook group), I finally came to a decision. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the time, and the cost, and the adjustment for something that could only make a marginal difference, or make her head a model of perfection. The big mystery is that I will never know unless we do it. It wasn't worth it to me.
But now I have to deal with the question of, "but would it have been worth it to her?" Of course she would never remember this time. Only pictures would prove it ever even happened to her. Will she resent me for having to make a decision for her before she could make them for herself? Well that's parenting in a nutshell, isn't it? Every day we're making choices that are going to affect other people. If you're a mom, more than likely you're making them for your children. Maybe they'll turn out for the best, and maybe they'll be mistakes. The only thing I can assure myself is that I put a lot of time and thought into this, and it wasn't a snap decision. And I can only hope it's the right decision and move on.
So she will not get the helmet. I will continue to work with her, and I will always think she is the most beautiful creature on this earth (besides her sister). So whatever decisions you are having to make for your family today, know that I feel you. I know you're struggling. I know you're worried you're not doing well enough. But you are. Just caring that much means you are. And as long as they are loved, and cared for - nothing else will matter in the long run.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
Dominique
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