I, like so many others, wear a lot of hats in my daily life. I can be a lot of things at once, but so often I can only do one or two of them well, while the others suffer and fall behind for the day, week, month or even year.
If I could make a production chart showing everything that I am to different people - mom, wife, friend, sister, employee, daughter - and cross reference it with how well I am fulfilling those roles during any given week, I guarantee at some point each one would be marked with an "excellent" and an "epic fail" within those seven days. The truth is most days I will be a good mom, a decent wife, a tolerable employee, an ok friend and an ok sister or daughter.
I've been very overwhelmed as of late. I'm certainly not one of those people who paints motherhood as a ray of sunshine every day, but in the interest of not being a total bummer, I've hidden that the last week or so has been a "screaming internally while remaining stoic" kind of time for me. A lot of it is pregnancy. I'm bigger, I'm rounder, I'm sleeping less. I'm hungry, I'm hot and I'm not as flexible in any sense of the word. My toddler both drives me insane and makes me cry with her sweetness at how fast she's getting bigger. I am a pregnant, emotional beast.
But some of these issues that are making me upset, or wracking me with guilt, are every day problems that I have long had. I don't take my daughter outside enough. It's literally 100 degrees by the time we get moving in the morning, and if my house is a wreck, or we have some errand we have to do, I put on PBS kids and we build blocks on the carpet, or play with her bows box or some other air conditioned activity until I can quietly slip away to wash dishes or take a shower for work.
I get angry with my husband when he's gone a lot. Sometimes it's because I miss him, and honestly, sometimes it's because I've had to do dinner, bath, and bedtime solo for three nights in a row and it's his turn, dammit. I get all fired up in my mind about how "it's so hard to be a full time mom," and "I'm with her crying and whining all day long," and whatever. Things that aren't necessarily even true most days, but were maybe true that one day. It usually takes a good meal and a good night's sleep to soothe the savage pregnant beast, and then I wake up and remember that he works 40 hours, and he's gone because he's taking real estate classes or had a work meeting or needed to run around on a field with a bunch of other guys throwing Frisbees to keep his sanity. He doesn't deserve my anger.
I don't speak to or spend time with my friends enough. I've never been much of a talk on the phone person, but I've realized lately that I have to get out of my comfort zone if I want to ever be good at maintaining friendships. My sisters have always been really great about that. All of them have female friends from all stages of life that they may not see regularly, but they make the effort. I have exactly two close friends who I love dearly, but hardly ever make the time to see. It's true that as many stay at home moms there are in the world, it's one of the loneliest professions. Paying jobs at least force you interact. Misbehaving toddlers and nap schedules and life always seem to get in our way.
So these are my confessions. To my daughter: I'm sorry that I hate being outside. I'm sorry that I get lazy or obsessive about keeping my world together, or that I flat out ignore you sometimes. To my husband: I understand that we're in this together, and sometimes it's going to pull us apart. I'm sorry that I too often lose sight of what you're doing for our family just because what I'm doing is not working out so well for the moment. To my friends and family - new and old: I'm sorry I don't call you, or remember to ask you about your life, or turn the conversation to myself if I feel like venting. I'm sorry I don't make time in my life to see you, and I use my mom life as an excuse of why I can't. Sometimes it's probably very true, and sometimes it's probably just exhaustion getting the better of me.
But to everyone, I am always trying to do better. I am always trying to improve, and recognize not only what I need to work on, but what I'm doing right. And hopefully, one day soon, I will see a vast improvement in my life balance imaginary production chart. But for now, just know that I'm thinking of ya'll always.
Love,
Dominique
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