One Year of Parenthood: What I've Learned

Good morning everyone! I hope everyone in my neck of the woods is staying warm and cozy. We haven't seen this much cold weather since...well ever, really. We Southerners are not well equipped for this.

But it makes for a perfect morning to sip on my coffee in the playroom and reflect on the past year. To say this year has been a doozie is the understatement of my life. My sweet V turns one year old this upcoming Friday, and it has been a little emotional around here. So here I am to share my wisdom, my experience, my faults, my victories and my hopes and my fears with  you based on the best year of my life. Happy Birthday, baby boo.

1) This train don't stop. Every night at 7pm, I look forward to putting the baby down to bed, grabbing a glass of wine, putting on some netflix and....begin the google search for the most highly recommended toddler toothbrush. As I was doing this very thing the other night, I suddenly remembered our need for blackout curtains during nap time, and I asked my husband if he knew where ours were. "Can you stop momming for a second?" he said. No, I can't. Sigh.

2) My daughter isn't going to do anything she isn't ready to do. Patience is a virtue they say, but nothing will teach you patience more than a child. They seem to grow in spurts so fast that you can barely keep up, and then come to a sudden halt where you can hear the ticking of the clock while you are waiting for the next milestone. I have been ready for my daughter to walk for a long time. She is not. And even though I work with her a little bit, I've learned it's pointless to worry. She's as stubborn as a mule, and she gets that from me. And I have to admit that while it is frustrating, I'm a bit proud - she'll be tough.

3) Mothers need other mothers. No matter what stage you and your baby are in, you need help from someone occasionally. Whether it's a phone call to a friend with an older one about a tylonal dosage or someone calling you about sleep training, it's important to help each other out. This also applies to strangers. Whenever I see a mom struggling with a stroller stuck in a story doorway, or her baby is throwing their toys in every direction, I stop and help her. No matter how full my arms are too. Because she needs me, and it's this understanding that we know what's going on.

4) You have to develop thick skin. Not only to protect yourself from others who don't know your situation, but to keep your sanity. Every sick baby, every hurt baby, every dying or missing or neglected or abused baby is my baby. I say this is the sense that I immediately imagine it being my own child. And it's so hurtful. But it also helps us to become significantly more empathetic, and to count our blessings.

5) And on that note, I am strong. I think about what I would do if I were that parent. Would I be able to handle it? Would I be able to do what I needed to do for my child? Yes. Because it if it's one thing motherhood will make you, it adaptive. Everything changes so frequently that if you are willing to flex a little bit, you'll never keep up. I didn't expect to go into labor at 31 weeks, and I didn't expect to have the threat of a premature baby looming over my head, but it happened and I adjusted. I prepared myself for having to deal with that. And I wasn't scared. I'm lucky that the situation didn't fully play out and I kept her in till full term, but it taught me that I am stronger than I think.

6) There are still a million ways you can screw up your kid, but honestly, most of them won't. If I give her pizza for dinner, or don't read her a book before bed, or forget a heavy coat and hat in the cold weather, sure, I'll feel a pang of regret. But she's fine. They aren't as breakable as we think they are. Keep them fed, keep them clothed, keep them loved and keep them sheltered. The rest is small potatoes - and will work itself out.

7) I'm still not ready to do it all over again. Even though I've truly enjoyed every minute of the last year - even the ones that at the time I really didn't enjoy - the thought of starting over with a new one is overwhelming to say the least. Not to say I couldn't do it. I absolutely could, and would probably be even better at it the second time around, but I'm still really into V right now. I love watching her grow and learn new things, and I'm not ready for anything to take away from that yet. I applaud moms with the emotional efficiency to balance their love among multiple kids. I've got to tunnel all of my mine into this one right now.

8) Some things matter, and some things don't. I buy name brand diapers for V, but only because the one time I got store brand, she got the worst and only diaper rash of her life. I buy Sam's Club brand formula for her, and she is GREAT with it. It's cheap, it's generic, and I'm feeding it to my kid, but she has never had a problem with it. Different things are going to affect different babies. We can't go all cheap all the time, but we can cut corners on some stuff. You live and you learn.

9) I don't have to make excuses for my motherhood mistakes. "Oh, I don't take Violet to the park because she's not walking." I don't take Violet to the park because it's cold, and I don't want to go to the park, and she's perfectly content and safer in her cozy indoor playroom. She's happy, I'm happy. There's no right way to do things when it comes to your parenting style, and it's better to just own that. It will let other moms know that they can admit they don't always feel like going to the park, and maybe let their child watch a little too much Curious George too some days.

10) Me and God talk. A lot. Mostly it's me asking Him to make her go back to sleep, or stop crying, or eat the rest of her dinner and quit feeding it to the dog. But we get deeper too. Whatever your stance on the Big Guy, I personally like having someone to talk to even if I never really hear Him answer back. I've seen a lot of bad things this year, and a lot of really good - and it's brought me closer to a faith, even if I still haven't been able to fully express that. It's nice to put trust in someone other than myself or my husband, even though I know both of us are going to come through.

11) "Every person or thing that rejects you is really just pushing you in the right path." I saw this quote in an article from a female comedian about her experiences with rejection, and this year I've learned that it's more true than I've ever known. Every failure in one department just pushes me towards the right choice, and while it still feels like a failure, eventually I realize what a blessing it was.

12) We've got a looooong way to go. I expect year two to be just as interesting as year one, maybe more. I hope it will be filled with funny moments for me to write about, and I hope it will be full of struggles for me to share with you, because the bad is just as important as the good. All I know is I am psyched  about it.

Thanks for listening as always! Happy Wednesday!

Love,
Dominique

I'm Not That Good at Commemorating

Looking back on the first year of my daughter's life - which is coming to a point this Valentine's Day - I have more than a few mommy regrets.

Most of them forgivable. I brought her to school with a disguised fever once or twice. I let her nails get a little too long and she woke up with tiny scratches on her face like she had been attacked by semi-sleepy kittens. You know, tiny things like that.

But one thing I do kind of regret is how little I scrapbooked this year. I've never been great at that. I still have undeveloped disposable cameras from high school and college in a box somewhere in my parent's house. Who knows what's on those treasures? It's like a time capsule. But I doubt that one day I will be sitting around and lamenting the fact that I don't have those 20 pictures of me and my high school crew laying in colored leaves on our junior year Williamsburg trip.

I do think that one day I will still regret not keeping all of Violet's doctor report cards with her statistics, or getting her foot stamped on her first day of life, or even getting newborn pictures taken. I didn't write down her first word (which I think was "uh-oh,") or could even tell you exactly when she started crawling. Newer moms ask me "When did Violet start sleeping through the night?" and I'm like, "uuuuuh, 4 months?" I have no idea. She just did at one point and I was so grateful.

I'm even totally slacking in the party planning department. I have ordered her cake, thank God. I called the woman that my sister recommended yesterday, and the conversation went something like this:
Me:"Oh, hello. I wanted to place an order for my daughter's first birthday coming up on the 14th. But her party will be the 15th. In mobile. I'm in Birmingham right now."
Lady: "Ok. How big do you need one?"
Me:"Um, (doing the mental math I certainly didn't do before hand) I guess about 25 people?"
Lady: "Ok. what do you want on it?"
Me: (panicking slightly inside) "Well I guess there are two ways I could go with this. She's a Valentine's baby so we could do something like that. Or she has this favorite book that would be cute. I don't know. I'm sorry, I didn't really think this through."
Lady: "haha, that's ok. What's the book?"
Me: "It's about like a mouse and a strawberry and this bear."
Lady:"Never heard of it. Could I google it?"
Me:"I mean, it's a pretty popular book. But there's one part where the strawberry is disguised in one of those glasses with the nose and the mustache. She thinks that part's pretty funny."
Lady:"Um, ok. Well a specific page would be harder. Could you email it to me?"
Me: (assuming the internet won't fail me) "Sure thing. I'll send you an email with the pic. And the details." (Yes! A chance to compose myself and my thoughts on email, my only friend)

So we're good there, probably. I did find the picture, and I was more specific in the email, but I gave her total creative control so we don't know what we're getting. Here's hoping it's cute. I'm pretty sure it will be.

My point is, I'm on my first (and maybe only) child, and I'm already treating her like the 5th. Why am I so bad at this? Am I alone? I'm southern, dammit. I'm supposed to put her in oversized bows and dresses on the daily and practically live at Hobby Lobby. I'm supposed to have everything monogrammed and smocked.

Oh well. I may have failed her this first year in that department, but on the 15th, we'll at least be celebrating the fact that I kept her alive and well for an entire year. And maybe year two I'll be a little bit better about keepsaking the memories.

Happy Thursday everyone. I've got to go get ready for a mom date to the library story time and lunch.

Love,
Dominique

Adventures in Babysitting

It's (fairly) late Monday evening, and I'm all wound up from eating my weight in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream to a point where TV alone will not satisfy, and bedtime is not yet an option. So I thought I'd take to my favorite past time, and write about something that has been bugging me for a while.

Being that both hubs and I are from a city far, far away in lower Alabama, we have no family even remotely near to help us take care of our sweet little one. So far, the day to day has been tough, but totally doable - but what do we do when we want to leave her behind to venture out into the now unknown - a bar, or a movie theater?

Simple answer - we don't. Or we wait until we're in our hometown where our available resources are more than willing to watch our angel for peanuts, or nothing at all. Here's the thing - it's not that I'm not willing to let a stranger into my home to preside over my most precious possession - provided that stranger is at the very least a friend of a friend with trusted references. But the truth is my daughter goes to bed at 7 on the nose every night, and if we want to catch a 6 p.m. dinner and an 8 p.m. movie, we're lucky if we'll get away with paying no more than $65 for someone to do a menial amount of work and then sit on our couch and drink wine (yep, I'm that kind of mom) and catch up on Mad Men for 4 hours.

Granted, I know that you're paying them to give up their time too, and with a full time working husband, likely the price they'll pay is a Friday or Saturday night. But when I was a high school student, and much into my college days as well - I was happy to make even a few extra bucks, even if it meant forgoing the usual and tired bar scene (such a saint, I am, I know!). I never gave a price range. I took what I was given for the work and was grateful for it. Sure, I was more willing to clear my schedule for the higher paying clientele, but always the end of the night, no matter how much cash was handed over, I said my thank you's and my goodbyes and I went home happy.

I feel like finding a sitter willing to be paid what I can pay them for (let's be honest) doing a whole lot of baby-sitting around is near impossible these days, and I'm honestly scared to even try. Is it so wrong to expect to be paid what I think you earned? My first job making more than minimum wage was a tireless customer service position that paid a whopping $7 an hour for an entire summer. And I was psyched about it. It allowed me to move into my sorority house for an entire semester and gave me some of the best times of my life. So tell me the truth, my loyal listeners, do I stand my ground with my honest wage, or do I give in and accept the times?

Thanks as always!

Happy Monday (night) and Tuesday!

Love,
Dominique

The Tell Tale Signs of a Stay at Home Mom

Guten Morgen!

I just got back from a wonderful trip back home to Mobile to visit with my family. It was nice because it wasn't any kind of occasion, so we got to really spend some good time just being around everybody.

The one question I got the most while I was there was "So how are you liking being home?" I could honestly answer that I was loving it. Sure, sometimes it's not the easiest thing, but we've been having such fun together settling into our new routine. That being said, I've decided to bring this blog to a humorous note and list some funny (albeit very true) things I've noticed about my new life as a SAHM.

1) My laundry now consists mostly of baby clothes, towels, t-shirts, sports bras and yoga pants. Real pants are for people with jobs.

2) I have a TV limit of an hour and a half for my daughter. And I hate it. I hate it so much. And truth be told, we break it often.

3) I try to find an excuse to run some kind of errand each day, because if I don't leave this house, it's gonna be a loooong day.

4) I can sing the songs her various toys make in my sleep.

5) I'm breaking a cardinal rule of parenting and letting her nap on my chest every single day, twice a day. It's the only way she sleeps for a long time, and I can catch up on my Ugly Betty marathon. And let's be honest, I'm not going to use that time constructively.

6) I started off cutting bananas slices into fours and making her cream cheese toast for breakfast everyday, and we've slowly shifted to cheerios and pouch smoothies. It's still a fruit and grain! Don't judge me.

7) There are entire days where neither one of gets dressed. If I do go somewhere, it's either in A) my yoga pants or B) I immediately get comfy again when we get home. Her pants become optional too.

8) We've started a ritual where we watch for daddy's car in the driveway every afternoon. All three of us (including pug) get very excited when we see it.

9) I let her play tug of war with the pug because A)it makes her giggle and it's so cute and B)pug's teeth are like candy corns and generally couldn't hurt anything.

10) I am at home all day and I'm still a week late taking her 11 month pictures, and my house is somehow more messy than it ever was when I was working. Turns out having more time doesn't mean I'm always on top of things.

C'est la vie.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Love,
Dominique

The Battle of My Heart Vs. My Head

I have now been traditionally unemployed for three weeks. I say "traditionally," because it's not like I haven't been working. My schedule is tighter, my days are longer and pay is terrible. But it's the best job I've ever had.

I have never felt so fulfilled in my work. I put her to bed every night knowing that tomorrow will be another opportunity to teach her something. In the short time I've been with her, she's learned how to share (most of the time), wave, high-five (Chris taught her that one) and is making leaps and bounds in her movements. Maybe it would have all happened anyway, whether I was there to witness it or not - but maybe there's something to be said about one on one attention.

*Disclaimer* I still fully support full time daycare, and I miss ours terribly. I treasured the morning talks with her teachers, and I know they miss her greatly as well.

That being said, today was my first official day with no paycheck. No direct deposit hit my bank account last night, and it will be a few more days until Chris's pay goes in because of the way his payroll works. We are financially fine. However, the question of whether I should pursue full time work again, part time work or stay at home is forever looming, and the pressure is definitely on.

But I should be getting unemployment pay, right? Well that remains to be seen. I have not yet received it, and the guidelines are stricter than one might think. When you file a claim for unemployment in the state of Alabama, you are automatically enrolled in a joblinks website for potential employers to find you. This is a great thing - and I applaud the system for trying to make sure the unemployed can become gainfully employed again. However, it is expected of you to reply promptly and without question to any job referral you are offered - or potentially lose benefits.

With that being said, I was somewhat forced to attend an "interview" for a life insurance company not to be named (Which is an industry I no longer want to be a part of) that turned out to be more of a mass recruitment. It was short notice (one day) and luckily I was able to ask my friend Katie to watch ladybug while I went. After sitting through a five minute interview, and then asked to watch an hour long presentation about the benefits of working for said company, I had had enough. I was angry that I had gone. I was angry that I was put in the position where I had to sit through that crap in order to collect a measly amount of money until I could find something I really wanted to do. And I sat there, judging the other people in the room for being such suckers.

I was wrong to do that. Who am I to judge someone just looking to provide for themselves or their families? Many of them were probably in my same position. So I gave myself a mental slap on the wrist and left, feeling sorry for myself.

The more I stay home with her, the more I want to stay to home. I never thought I would want to do that, but maybe it was just that I wasn't ready. Maybe maternity leave, with it's sleepless nights and tireless breastfeeding and 12 diapers a day was a really bad first impression on the life of a stay at home mom. That stage ends, you know. Even if you think it never will.

So my heart wants to be with her. Wants the freedom my days have allowed us. But the question remains on whether or not it's financially feasible for this to remain an ongoing thing. Sacrifices would have to be made, and some are already in the works - but it still may not be enough.

Full time would allow for us to resume our previous lifestyle - but then I'd be right back where I was before. Part time is ideal, but unless I find a decent part time paying position, the daycare alone would eat up the entire paycheck for the month. That would be pointless. So what's a former working mom to do? My head tells me to find work; fulfilling, worth-it work, but I think "what could I want to do more than this?"

It's a tough spot to be in, for sure. But we will get through it. One thing is for sure, I am not allowing myself to become as unhappy as I  was before. My priorities have changed tremendously, and I think I need to find my balance with heart and head.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Love,
Dominique

Every Time God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window (that I now have to babyproof)

So I'm closing out week two as a full time stay at home mom. The days go by surprisingly quickly, and I can hardly believe she'll be 11 months old in just a short week. I've learned a lot - about myself, about my daughter and about the death trap my house is. Without further ado, my life lessons of the past two weeks.

1) My daughter is actually a boy. I remember all of these moms saying "Oh I NEVER had to baby proof with my girls, only my son!" "She just didn't want to get into anything." WRONG. So WRONG. My daughter seemingly has an insatiable thirst for the danger my house presents at every corner. Her favorite things to do are try to pull up on the sharp edge coffee table, lunge head first off of any bed or couch, try to put her fingers in electrical sockets and put small, old dirty objects in her mouth. Like the 30 year old rubber end to a doorstopper.

As a direct result of this, we have been forced to create an enclosed playroom out of an old couch and our formerly formal dining room. It's actually amazing. Nothing but carpet and soft furniture. As I type, she's playing on the floor and I'm not worried about her.

2) The word of the week is "commitment." I have to be committed to getting that girl to sleep. No matter how long it takes, no matter how tired I am or how much my legs ache from slow dancing with a 20 lb weight on my arms for 30 minutes, if she even so much as senses that I'm getting really impatient, she fights it. Therefore I have to relax my body and be all in. I have to send that message "I could do this all day." and mean it. It's not easy. But God bless those long naps where I can read or catch and episode of Ugly Betty on Netflix.

3) Teething is the DEVIL. Seriously, her bottom two teeth barely hurt her, but I imagine her top two to be angry little sharp dwarves that are pick-axing their way through her gums day and night. There's been a lot of crying, finger chewing and motrin over the past week. I just want my happy girl back!

4) Solid foods are also a pain in my butt. And hers. Who knew that a variety of yummy foods would wreak such havoc on my poor baby's tush? We've bought three different diaper creams in the past week, including one prescription. I can't just not feed her. She has to learn to eat what we eat, but man is it painful. I blame myself. She inherited my sensitive skin. BHH.

5) All of the toys in the world are not as interesting as the blinds cords in the playroom. They are white, dirty, make no noises and have no lights, but she is completely amused by them. Kids, right? She's getting a box for her birthday.

6) I'm having a hard time re-defining Chris and mine's parenting roles. The truth is I shouldn't be changing anything. But now that I'm staying home and he is working all day, I struggle with asking him to help me with the baby in the evenings. I should note that he is more than happy to do it. Chris has never thought of fatherhood as a duty. He wants to do things with her. But I feel guilty asking him to let me have a break after he hasn't exactly been relaxing all day. When we were both working, I felt that we were equals. We both had demanding jobs, so our jobs as parents were split as well. I fed, he bathed. I read a story, he fixed the bottle. And we both passed out around 10pm exhausted. Now I feel like we both have crazy jobs, but mine just doesn't end at 5pm anymore. I need to get over this ASAP.

7) I really want to take advantage of my freedom right now. Odd that being attached to my baby 24/7 again feels more free, but it is. No more worrying about when the grocery shopping will get done, or the laundry or doctor appointments. We have nothing but time together now. I even want to spend a few extended days in Mobile with my family, just me and her - just because we can. Honestly, I don't know if this is going to last until next month, next year or next kid. So right now I'm cherishing it.

8) Getting dressed is seriously an accomplishment. Bonus points if you shower!

Well that's all I got for today. Happy Wednesday everyone! The work week is almost over, right?

Love,
Dominique

Truth Be Told

I woke up this morning with plans to write all about my first official week as a stay at home mom, but I am just too tired to recall everything that has happened. I'm too tired, because I was up until midnight obsessing over the events that led me to this place. I wasn't ready to talk about it last week, and I'm still not really ready. Lord knows there are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but I feel that if I don't get this stuff out of my heart it's going to grow and fester and burst and ruin my favorite yoga pants.

So here it goes:

At about 3pm the Wednesday before Christmas, I was asked if I "had a minute" and led to a conference room in our office. I was then told in a quick and decisive manor that I was being let go. It was "just not working out." anymore. The official reason I was given was that I was not passionate enough about my position. Fair enough. The truth is I've struggled with working full time ever since I had to leave my baby in someone else's care since she was six weeks old. That's no secret, and apparently it had become no secret that I was seeking to go part time, possibly around her first birthday in February.

Needless to say I was shocked. I had been warned before that I was slipping, but I had made an honest-to-God effort to improve, and had even checked in with the powers that be to see if there had been any more complaints. But despite my best efforts, they decided to move on. Maybe they can find someone single, who can come in early and stay late, and be everything they want them to be. I hope they do.

In all honesty, I wasn't sad to let that position go. I had given three years to that company, and a lot of it I enjoyed. But things are different now. I'm different now. But there was the immediate matter of my loss of income, and loss of health insurance for me and Violet. As you all know, I have a baby that catches everything under the sun, and then ear infections. Health insurance is an absolute must, and not only was I losing my half of our income, but I was now going to have to pay much more out of pocket to make sure she can go to the doctor. I started crying in that conference room. And I admitted to a friend of mine that I was scared. I was panicking. I was not putting enough trust in myself or my husband to get through this. Not in that moment.

So I walked out, all puffy faced and embarrassed, and collected some of my things. Nothing is worse than crying at work. Everyone notices. Everyone pretends not to notice, but then you know it will be the talk of the office after you leave. It's a terrible feeling, and I had to experience not only that, but then the walk out to the lobby, 28 floors on an elevator, and about a mile long walk to my parking deck.

I came home defeated, but the next day I felt better. I had a plan. I would go home an enjoy my Christmas. I would come back and sign up for health insurance, sign up for unemployment, and start a new year and a new life as stay at home mom, either full time or part time. But I still wake up sometimes feeling resentful. Feeling like I was somehow being punished for having a baby. Feeling so upset that I sacrificed so much of my time, my vacation and sick days, and my happiness only to be told it wasn't good enough.

There's a lot more I could say on the subject, but it's best to hold my tongue. It's over now, and I should be focusing on moving on and being grateful that I'm getting to do the one thing I've been wanting to do for months - be around my baby girl. Even if it's only temporary. And I should put more trust in myself, and definitely more trust in Chris. We've always been a great team, and this little hurdle will be no different. I'm lucky to have him supporting me. He didn't panic. He simply comforted me, and told me it was going to be ok. And he has not once rushed me into finding another job. He's letting me handle it. And my family has been wonderful too. My siblings and my parents have rallied, and are helping me in every way they know how. They are amazing.

So that's where we are. I promise a more entertaining post about my ups and downs as a newly stay at home mom. Believe me, there have been plenty of entertaining moments. But we're doing ok. We're having a blast together, actually.

As always, thanks for listening.

Happy Thursday!

Love,
Dominique