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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Of Finding Faith in a Time I Need It Most

Good morning! Happy Thursday! Long time, no write. What can I say? I have two kids now and the most exhausting job I have ever had.

But today is not really about my kids. They're great, and fun, and crazy and trying to destroy me. That's the gist of it all.

Today I want to talk about probably my most vulnerable subject. Faith.To most of the people in my life, it's no secret that I'm not terribly religious. I pray, but I don't go to a church or feel even a connection most of the time. I pray because it's what my mom would tell me to do, and my mom is usually right about everything.

I can't really say I'm not a believer-I grew up in a church surrounded by friends and family who all shared common beliefs, and I really loved it all. As I grew up, I realized a big part of my love was for the tradition of it all. It's the reason I wanted it then, and it's the reason I still go to Christmas and Easter Mass. It's beautiful and comforting.

But I'm finding lately that I really wish I had more. I can't say that I want to return to Catholicism. There are areas of it that I just can't get on board with. I know that hurts people. I know that hurts my mom. And that kills me. But if we always did everything to please our parents forever, we would never really find out who we are, and I know more than anything my mom wants me to be who I am.

My mom is sick. Even now as I type this, I tear up thinking about that statement. Losing her would be a devastation that I'm not even close to prepared for. I've prayed, and I've asked for prayers. I figure that if I can't find that phone number to God, maybe others who are closer to Him can get there for me. I often think about trying harder - finding somewhere I belong, and letting other people take me under their wings.

How do I approach a group of people and say "I haven't been to church in years, I don't feel much about it, I'm confused about what I believe and I honestly don't want a reason to be angry with God if things don't work out in my life."

I know bad things happen to good people. My mom is the best person I know. Selfless to the core. I know that if she were to not survive this, people would come to me and tell me that she's in Heaven with our Savior, and no longer suffering, and I know those are meant to be comforting words. I want them to be comforting. But I guess I feel exactly like M'Lynn in Steel Magnolias. I guess I'm selfish and I'd rather her be here with me.

I don't know what's a good enough reason to explore my faith. Is my mom being sick a good enough reason? Is it like a (excuse the pun) "Hail Mary Pass" to God to help my mom get through this? It is bad if I just want the community, and the arms around me? I've never wanted to use people in my time of need. But what's the difference between using people and leaning on them? I need to lean, ya'll.

So if you're the praying type, please pray for me. And if you don't want to do that, then pray for my mom and the rest of my family. And if you're willing to let me lean with all of my selfish reasons, then please let me know.

I love you all and I appreciate it.

Love,
Dominique