You'll hear things like "Make sure you're ready," and "You can't be selfish and have a baby," and "Say goodbye to your social life."
And these things are all pretty true, in their own way. You'll also hear things like "It was the best thing that ever happened to me," and "I can't remember ever being so happy."
And to the people who said those things, they meant it. My little lamb is coming up on her second birthday, and I still remember very clearly the conversations I had with Chris about expanding our family. We considered everything (what can I say? I married a researcher.). We thought about our finances, and our jobs, our living situation, and what we were giving up and what we were gaining.
But here's the truth: You're never going to know what you're giving up, and what you're gaining, and to what degree your life is going to change until you have that baby in your arms.
The variables are innumerable. And you better believe that the unexpected is right around the corner. I expected that my salary would be well worth keeping my job, and I would just use my vacation time and sick time to spend extended weekends with the grandparents, or take trips to the beach.
Violet's first year, most, if not all, of my sick and vacation time was spent at my house, taking care of my sick baby who has a stomach bug, or RSV, or a double ear infection. By the time she was 10 months old, I was let go from my position and suddenly forced into stay at home momhood.
And it was wonderful. We adjusted our finances, and for 6 beautiful months, I spent every waking moment with my toddler. I never knew how much I would love it - in fact, I always thought I would HATE it.
Long ago, when I was still cool enough to have a social life, I spent a good amount of time in the trendy bars on weekends, grabbing drinks with my friends. When we decided to get pregnant, I knew that would either no longer be happening, or at the very least, become immeasurably more expensive adding a babysitter to the mix. But you know what? I've been to a bar maybe a handful of times since Violet's arrival almost two years ago, and that's been fine by me.
What I miss the most is leisurely Sundays, sleeping in, then maybe deciding to go to a movie on a rainy afternoon. Those are the things that don't happen anymore. Planning a night out is easy. It's your spontaneity that goes out the window.
Maybe you've heard some "tips and tricks" about saving money with a new baby. So you're going to breastfeed for a year, and make your own baby food, and use generic diapers and wipes. And maybe you will. A lot of people pull this off.
When I went back to work, my workload alone barely allowed time to pump, and on top of Violet's growing appetite, my breastmilk dried up like an old well. We made it three months, and then formula was introduced. (I will never NEVER regret this decision. It was right then, and it was good for all parties involved.) I tried generic diapers, but with two pale, blonde, light eyed parents, Violet didn't really have a chance at not having sensitive skin. So back to pampers we went, and it's been that way ever since. I also found that finding a deal on organic store-bought jars of baby food is about as much effort as I had strength for when it came to solid food.
We all have our crosses to bear, am I right?
Believe me, I'm not telling you this to bring you down, or discourage your planning. What I'm stressing to you is flexibility, courage, and most all - confidence. Be confident in all of your decisions, even if you never saw yourself having to make them. You will know what is right for your family, and whatever you choose will work out fine. Be flexible, and know that plans change, and it's not always for the worse. Be courageous, because you're diving head-first into the most joyful and confusing time of your life. It's basically like that Taylor Swift song, except about having a baby and not being 22. Or if you're 22, AND having a baby, then, watch out. But you're not 22. I don't know anyone that's 22.
And lastly, congratulations! Having Violet was (one of) the best things that has ever happened to me, and I can't remember ever being so happy. ; )
Love,
Dominique
